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Relationship Counseling: Wanting a relationship with a dad who abandoned me
Dear Dr. Ellen: My mom and "real" dad divorced when I was just a baby. My dad left and I never heard back from him until a couple of months ago. In the meantime my mom
married another man and I grew up recognizing him as "Dad". When they divorced when I was eleven, I still continued to look at him as my fatherly figure. When my mom remarried a couple years ago I even chose to live with him. Here is my problem, my "real" dad has come back into the picture. He tracked me down through the internet and we correspond almost everyday. The thing is my "dad" and mom don't know about it. When I had let them know that he had contacted me the first time, they got very upset. I believe in forgiveness. Yes, he did abandon me when I was young (with no child support as my mom and dad say), but he is making an effort in trying to come back into my life. I love my current dad and I don't want to hurt him or my mom. What should I do? - Sandra
Dear Sandra: You are in a tough situation but I believe you must follow your heart. It sounds like your current "dad" who had been there for your mom and you during those
early years when you were little is a good man. It doesn't sound like you missed out on having a dad and you probably wouldn't have searched for your biological father had he
not contacted you. He is the one who missed out by not participating in your life. The fact that he is the one who was searching for you means that he has finally realized that. Even though you didn't ask for it, he's now part of your thoughts and consequently part of your life. You can't make believe he doesn't exist, because he does.
Your mom has her own unresolved issues and you cannot change her feelings. Until she resolves them, which may never happen, she will probably always feel angry and hurt
by any contact or relationship you develop with your dad.
We have the capacity to love many people in many different ways. Having a place in your heart for your biological dad will not diminish the love you have for your "DAD" and mom. In time, they will see that. I believe you must do what's in your heart and yet be sensitive to your mom's feelings. I am especially referring to your mom, because the
emotional triangle here is your mom, biological dad and you. Your "dad" is probably just supporting her feelings since he never knew your biological father and can only react to what he heard from your mom.
It can't feel good hiding the fact that you are in touch with your dad almost daily. On the other hand, I don't think your mom needs a blow by blow description of the conversations you are having. It will just continue to hurt her. I believe that you probably have a lot of
unanswered questions that hopefully your dad can answer once you both feel comfortable enough with each other. My concern is that you could be disappointed once you really
get to know your dad. I believe that everyone is capable of change. The fact that your dad never paid child support or contacted you on your birthday and other important events in your life may be a source of deep pain and regret for him. On the other hand, he may still
be a very selfish, irresponsible person who is getting a kick out of finding out about you but has no intention of having a more committed relationship. Your mom may have
been deeply hurt by him and doesn't want the same disappointment for you.
Ask yourself, if you or he had only one year to live, would you want to get to know this man and develop a relationship with him even though it would hurt your mom? You can ask many people what they would do but this is your life and ultimately the decision is yours. I believe that life is so fragile and unpredictable and we never know how much time we have. You should never live a life filled with regrets.
If the answer to that question is "yes", then tell your mom how much you love her and that you don't want to hurt her. Let her know that you understand how upsetting it
must be for her to hear that this man, who abandoned you both, is now back in your life. Ask her if she'd rather know or not know about your correspondence and that you will respect her wishes but this is something you have to pursue. I know that this is not your intention, but there is no way that this is not going to hurt your mom. The best you can hope for is, that as time goes by, it will become less painful for her. I think you'll have to
play this out since he has come into your life for a reason.
Whether this ultimately turns out to be a good or bad experience for you, there is usually a sense of closure and peace for most people when they finally know who their biological parents are. - Dr. Ellen
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