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Relationship Counseling: Who Should Pick Up The Tab
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 51-year old divorcee with two children both in expensive private colleges (male-22, female-19). I have a mortgage and a car payment to boot. I am dating a man for about 5 months now and I'd say we go about 50/50 with who picks up the tabs.
If he has an idea (date) and he invites me, he picks up the costs and vice-a versa (If it is my idea). In addition, I have offered on occasion to treat for special reasons: (i.e. celebrations of different sorts, just like I would for a best friend). I am a nurse in management and make a decent living, but it is certainly below triple figures. He is a CFO for a small international telecom company (he travels to Europe on business from time to time). I would imagine he makes considerably more than I do (he also has two grown college age children). One is going to an inexpensive community college; the other has been on a full scholarship. He is new to the area and is renting.
My question is, "What is proper as far as who pays what?" At what point is it considered "cheap" for a man to accept a woman picking up a bill and at what point is it just considerate (both being working professionals)? At what point is it overly generous (or feminist) for the woman to pay?
He and his daughters were invited to my daughter's birthday dinner party (out at a mid-range restaurant). I picked up tab for everyone invited and, of course, them too. He, however, gave her only a card. Is that appropriate? He is not close to her as she lives in a
dorm and he sees her only once in a while (he did help to move her into her dorm). I'm confused about dating "rules" and expenses at this stage of my life and I feel a little too equal. What are your thoughts?
We have talked about going to Florida for a long weekend together. I have a girlfriend with a place we can stay at for free (she has offered and will not be there). Should I still be picking up my own airfare? Or do you think just expecting dinners out with him
picking up the "date tabs" is appropriate? - Heather
Dear Heather: Just because this man has a title that sounds impressive, doesn't mean that he has an impressive salary to go along with it. I don't know this man's history but he could be paying his ex-wife's alimony and on top of that, child support and have very little left over. Many generous men who have been "burned" by an ex-wife are much more frugal the next time around.
Regardless of his income or situation, I believe that in the beginning of a relationship it is appropriate to share expenses, especially since you are both working professionals. If money is an issue for you then your dates should be more creative and less costly, like a picnic, walk in the park or renting a video. There is also nothing wrong with telling him,
"I'm really having a problem with how much money I've been spending lately. I've really enjoyed paying for some of our dates but I will have to come up with a more creative and less expensive way of spending time together." His response may be, "Don't worry, I can
pick up the slack", or he may say, "That's fine with me. We can certainly think of less expensive things to do." Either way, at least you are being honest with him and giving him a chance to respond to you. There are no rules in this area, only one's personal
feelings. Those feelings are based on your upbringing and your past experiences. Many men enjoy having a woman who is their equal and will share the financial responsibilities. Other men feel uncomfortable having a woman pay for a date and like being in charge.
As for your daughter's birthday dinner party, I believe that most people attending would assume that the tab was being picked up by you unless you had called and asked everyone to chip in. However, I do not know any family who would attend a dinner birthday party and not give a gift. For him to come with his daughters and bring nothing but a card, was definitely inappropriate and cheap. The fact that he is not close to her and only sees her once in a while is really a poor excuse for bad manners. This is the only area where it is difficult giving him the benefit of the doubt. My guess is that if you are looking for a generous man, one who will shower you and your children with gifts and take charge financially, you will be continually disappointed with this man. If, on the other hand, you can accept a man who is not that thoughtful, is tight with his money, but is there for you in other ways, (helped move your daughter into her dorm) then you won't be disappointed. Based on what you have told me about your upcoming weekend together you should also discuss the airline tickets. Let him know what the airline tickets will cost and ask him if he wants to make the reservations and you will reimburse him for your ticket or does he want to make his reservations separately? My guess is that you will be splitting that trip down the middle. - Dr. Ellen
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