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Relationship Counseling: You can't be too needy
Dear Ellen: I've gotten very close to a friend at work. We called each other every day, talked for over 4 hours each time, and started getting feelings for each other that neither of us had felt before. One Friday we went to the movies. It started out great but then the next day she did all but dump me. She told me that she still had strong feelings for me, but she wanted to go out and live before she got into a relationship. I still don't know what happened that Friday night. She did tell me that I made her feel like glass and she didn't like that. We have another date this Friday so could you please tell me how to put this relationship back on track. - Todd
Dear Todd: What stands out here is the fact that she's telling you that you made her feel like glass. If I buy something fragile, I'm scared that it's going to break. I think she was sensing fear in you. You might have been afraid that she wouldn't like you as much as you liked her and you wanted to make sure she was having a good time. You probably wanted some reassurance by asking, "Is this okay." What movie do you want to see? Where do you want to go? Women like being with someone who is confident, not fearful! The fact that she told you that she wanted to live means she felt smothered. She definitely saw you as a friend and probably sensed that you want more from the relationship than she feels right now. There's nothing worse than being with someone who is needy and dependent. When you go out this week, I want you to act confident, independent and busy. That means when you get to her door, don't say, "I'll call you tomorrow. Just say, I had a good time, THANKS. Then she'll wonder whether you'll call or not. Let several days go by before you call. Remember this - It's human nature to want what we can't have. What we can have, anytime, any place, is never as valuable as something that is just out of reach and we have to work at getting. A nonchalant attitude is sometimes exactly what is needed in the beginning of a relationship. Let her do some of the work because then YOU have more value in her eyes. - Dr. Ellen.
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